Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
we made out on top of his cat.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Randomize
