God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Need sex. Gaining weight.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
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