The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
