i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Randomize
