I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
