He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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