i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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