she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
