I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
My dick has a subreddit
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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