They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Why is your signature on my underwear?
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
Randomize
