I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
jump out the window naked night went bad
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize