I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
