Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Randomize
