just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Someone came in the potted fern
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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