I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
is sleeping with your Political Science professor Politically incorrect?
Was he helping you 'cram' for your final, or just giving an oral exam?
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
