I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
