Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize