No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
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