There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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