I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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