This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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