I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Randomize
