I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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