you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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