i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
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