I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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