why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
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