My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
The air taste purple.
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