Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
