She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Randomize
