it was like his penis was on wheels.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
