his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
We have started to decorate penises.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize