She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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