im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
