I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Randomize
