Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
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