Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Randomize
