I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize
