i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
