Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
