woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Randomize
