I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
I love you.
Bad choice
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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