I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
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