Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Randomize
