Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize
