I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
