im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I just had sex on a roof
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Randomize
