Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
pray to the hookup gods
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