There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Randomize
