How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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