There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
