Pussy?
how
Wat do u mean how?
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
