You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
