last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
