The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
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