so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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