I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
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