Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
