I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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