You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Randomize
